A Challenger Appears: Creepy Segway Guy
So there’s this guy at our place with a Segway. You know, the dorky pogo stick with wheels that middle age yuppies and mall cops think are really cool. Well, this guy thinks it’s real cool. And he’s fucking creepy about it. I first heard about CSG one saturday morning when Emily came into the apartment after doing something or other downstairs. She said “did you know there was a guy with a Segway that lives here?” to which I of course said no. I mean, who really owns those things in real life? Turns out, that guy does.
Not only did she run into this random dude with a Segway, he was in the elevator. Standing in the back corner of the elevator car. On his Segway. Staring at the doorway when it opened. I’ve never run into him in that capacity, but I have seen him come out the back door of our apartment tower to take the trash out to the dumpster, buzzing along on his merry way. This struck me as odd since it isn’t exactly a long haul to the dumpster. I used my trusty jet pack to get a good view to illustrate:
(clicky for larger image)
I mean, a minute or so out in the harsh wide open. Maybe he’s a vampire, and he’s afraid he’ll either burn up if he’s outside for too long… or blind some people with his sparkly skin (depending on your flavor of vampire). The really creepy part is that he was just throwing away small bags, and we have trash chutes on each floor that they could have easily fit in. Maybe he didn’t want the facilities guy going through his trash in the morning? Sounding more and more like this guy is ditching body parts.
Today it got even more weird… I saw this random creepy white van when I was driving into the parking lot. It’s never been here before. It looked like someone was moving or something, because the back was open and there was what I thought was a dolly on the back. Nope, it was a Segway. Just like the trash incidents, it’s only a couple dozen paces from the door. And although he’s not exactly in underwear model shape, he’s not so massive and slovenly that he needs a machine to get around. So there CSG was, washing down the outside of his totally not sketchy windowless white van. Cleaning blood, no doubt. Dismembering bodies is messy business.
Although I risked life and limb to get this next picture, I figured the internet deserved more than one lousy shot. So stealthy as I could I got another. It’s not immediately obvious from the thumbnail, but he is no in fact riding the Segway naked. Although I’m guessing that’s in the near future. He’s just wearing skin colored clothes. I guess it could be clothes made of skin, I was kind of far away…
We have a CSG in Keene, too. He parks his just inside the doorway of one of the buildings downtown. When he putts around the city he always wears a shit-eating grin, so smug in the fact that he can go almost as fast on wheels as I can on my feet.
Seriously, I never got the whole idea behind them. I mean, are people really too lazy to walk at a moderate pace? Or too cool to take mass transit? Either way, I guess people like this make the rest of us feel a little more normal.
I actually think segways are rad man. While they look dorky i’ve had the chance to use them and they can get up there in speed. My Dad has an off-road version lol since he has a reallllly long gravel driveway. Plus hes old, and his in-laws has problems walking so the segway is a great easy way to get around for them.
Like most stories I tell, there’s definitely a little hyperbole involved. I can totally see the Segway for people with mobility issues. Even mall cops, to be honest. Hell, I don’t even like to double back once to get Starbucks when I figure out it’s on the other end of the mall… pacing the place all day would be terrible.
This guy clearly doesn’t NEED it though… I mean he was twisting himself in all kinds of weird angles to scrub the blood off various nooks and crannies in his sweet van. And when people drive down Newbury street on the things, all smug and forcing people to dodge out of their way, I kind of want to hit them. But then most forms of smugness trip my “murder death kill” reflex.
I meant the article more to poke fun at this curiously creepy guy than hate on the Segway.
As a dude who owns and uses a Segway everyday, this piece bums me out a little. I’m sure that guy doesn’t need a Segway, nor do I. (I’m 142lbs) I have it because I think it’s a great way to travel a mile or two instead of driving a car or riding a bike (depending on what I need to carry). Walking would take too long. They’re also fun as hell to ride. One thing I know as an owner, one becomes very self conscious riding those things. We all know society hasn’t embraced the Segway. We know we look like freaks to rest of our neighbors, but we ride regardless because we spent the money and want to live our dream, just like everyone gets to when they purchase a motorcycle, or air jordans, 2 items people also don’t need. Maybe this guy is just awkward because he can sense you think he’s a CSG.
We live in a country that demands saving the environment, reducing carbon footprints, and solving traffic and parking problems all major cities have. A genius inventor provides us with an alternate mode of transportation that not only addresses all that, but also gives us a way to reduce our bills. Remember the Segway requires no fuel, parking permits, insurance or registration. What do we do? We call it gay and criticize the people on them making it unfashionable to ride. Hopefully this mentality comes to an end soon. We’ve been legalizing marijuana, and just made gay marriage legal Federally. It’s time we accept the Segway as a legit way to roll.
PS: The segway is not for lazy people. Try standing on a moving platform while pivoting your torso back and fourth for 20 minutes straight. Driving cars is more for the lazy mentality.