The Iggblog

I posted the following entry in my LJ blog back in 2004 (before it was the haven of emo ranting that it’s become). Normally I don’t like to recycle material, but this may become an annual post since it never seems to become any less true. I love snow… but like many things in life, it’s ruined by other people.

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Snow. Snow is funny stuff.

Snow appears harmless enough when blanketing the scenery in peaceful whiteness. Its very nature is almost “kind”. Light… fluffy… delicate. BUT… Something darker lurks beneath the surface. The docile exterior of ice belies an ethereal core of absolute stupidity.

The snowflake is a complex object. The crystal husk is merely a carrier vessel for a small portal to another sort of supersymmetrical dimension. The true quintessence of snow lies in this ethereal form. The particles from this dimension exist partially in our realm and partially in the supersymmetrical realm. The component of these particles that exists in our dimension is very small. These “fingers” into our “heavy space”, known as an LSSP (lightest super-stupid particle) is what snowflakes seed upon.

The mechanism by which snow “works” upon humans is even more interesting. Snow would normally float about in the upper atmosphere since snow clearly floats. Throw a snowball into water and you’ll see what I mean. But this superdimensional seed of stupidity adds just enough mass for the snowflakes to fall slowly and gently to the ground. Upon reaching the ground, the LSSP is released from the snow, and rises to the upper atmosphere to seed another flake. While in these states, snow is harmless. It could even fall on your head and it wouldn’t matter… there’s simply not enough force to drive the LSSP into your head. After alighting on your head, it floats back into the atmosphere like normal. However, a curious thing happens when snow is hit by a car. The crystal is hit with such force that the payload of stupidity is ripped from the core of the snowflake, and travels through the windshield of the car, leaving its icy prison behind. The LSSP is driven into the driver’s brain, where it is pulled the rest of the way into our dimension. It expands to its full size and darkles the driver’s mind, impeding neural activity and impairing the subject’s higher functions.

Normally, one such incursion into the human brain has little effect (especially in the state of Massachusetts, where the drivers give the LSSP very little to impair on in the first place)… but during a snowstorm, the drivers are pelted with countless vessels of crystalline stupidity. They are reduced to a near inanimate state (except in Massachusetts, where they become only slightly less intelligent than normal).

Originally published at The IggBlog. You can comment here or there.