Posts Tagged ‘funny’

To Women: Men, Colors, and You

January 7th, 2011 1 comment

Men and women have both known for a long time that the two sexes see colors differently. Women often wonder why men just say “blue” when we see things like the sky, the ocean, Facebook, every Ford Focus, and so on. And men wonder why women have silly colors like azure, cobalt, sapphire, iris, teal, midnight, ultramarine, and so on. I thought I would take a few minutes to explain an aspect of why we men are the way we are.

It’s going to start by sounding a little technical, but stay with me.  The part of the male brain that processes color has been reallocated over the course of male evolution towards things we consider more worthy of our thoughts. Breasts, tanks, barbecue, jet fighters, video games, breasts, beer, etc. Very little is left over for things like color, and we’ve been left what amounts to a 4-bit palette. Basically just a few brain cells in series that either fire or don’t fire when when information from the eyes goes through them. This all results in a visible range of about 16 colors. This world looks much like a 1990s video game to men. Note that early game programmers were mostly men, which is why early video games looked this way. That’s enough tech speak for now, check out the table below:

16-color male palette
0 black 8 gray
1 blue 9 light blue
2 green 10 light green
3 ugly blue 11 pretty blue
4 red 12 other red
5 purple 13 pink
6 brown 14 yellow
7 light gray 15 white

As you can see, we men do in fact recognize four shades of blue: Blue, light blue, ugly blue, and pretty blue. We just don’t use two of them very often. We don’t use “ugly blue” much because it’s ugly and we don’t like it. We don’t often use “pretty blue” because you tend to hit us we use it in a sentence beginning with “Honey I wish your eyes were a …”, and besides it just sounds funny when men say it. Some of the color names have changed over time. “Other red” used to be known simply as “bricks” (or “bacon” in some regions), and in these more civil times what was known as “gay purple” is now called “pink”.  Brown used to be “beer”, but it was discovered that things other than beer were this color so a more general term was needed.  I should note that ugly blue and pretty blue have recently been renamed “cyan” and “light cyan” because men wanted to prove we could come up with silly names for colors too, but these names are seldom heard in actual conversation.

So next time you want to badger us men for not knowing “burnt umber” from “other red” or “fuchsia” from “pink”, please keep in mind we’re not savages.  When we blankly stare at color swatches at Home Depo, or can’t find anything else to point out during your favorite interior design show (that we lovingly sit through) except the ambiguous nature of some of the contestants, we’re not trying your patience.  Our brains are just wired a little different.  Besides, “The White Mountains” has a better ring to it than “The Isabelline Mountains”. Renaming traffic colors from red, yellow, and green to carmine, aureolin, and chartreuse would just make driving students cry. And the last time they tried to change “Brown Bear” to “Chocolate Bear”, the resulting misunderstandings were unfortunate.

A Challenger Appears: Creepy Segway Guy

June 25th, 2010 5 comments

So there’s this guy at our place with a Segway. You know, the dorky pogo stick with wheels that middle age yuppies and mall cops think are really cool. Well, this guy thinks it’s real cool. And he’s fucking creepy about it. I first heard about CSG one saturday morning when Emily came into the apartment after doing something or other downstairs. She said “did you know there was a guy with a Segway that lives here?” to which I of course said no. I mean, who really owns those things in real life? Turns out, that guy does.

Not only did she run into this random dude with a Segway, he was in the elevator. Standing in the back corner of the elevator car. On his Segway. Staring at the doorway when it opened. I’ve never run into him in that capacity, but I have seen him come out the back door of our apartment tower to take the trash out to the dumpster, buzzing along on his merry way. This struck me as odd since it isn’t exactly a long haul to the dumpster. I used my trusty jet pack to get a good view to illustrate:

(clicky for larger image)

I mean, a minute or so out in the harsh wide open. Maybe he’s a vampire, and he’s afraid he’ll either burn up if he’s outside for too long… or blind some people with his sparkly skin (depending on your flavor of vampire). The really creepy part is that he was just throwing away small bags, and we have trash chutes on each floor that they could have easily fit in. Maybe he didn’t want the facilities guy going through his trash in the morning? Sounding more and more like this guy is ditching body parts.

Today it got even more weird… I saw this random creepy white van when I was driving into the parking lot. It’s never been here before. It looked like someone was moving or something, because the back was open and there was what I thought was a dolly on the back. Nope, it was a Segway. Just like the trash incidents, it’s only a couple dozen paces from the door. And although he’s not exactly in underwear model shape, he’s not so massive and slovenly that he needs a machine to get around. So there CSG was, washing down the outside of his totally not sketchy windowless white van. Cleaning blood, no doubt. Dismembering bodies is messy business.

Although I risked life and limb to get this next picture, I figured the internet deserved more than one lousy shot. So stealthy as I could I got another. It’s not immediately obvious from the thumbnail, but he is no in fact riding the Segway naked. Although I’m guessing that’s in the near future. He’s just wearing skin colored clothes. I guess it could be clothes made of skin, I was kind of far away…

Insert topical VNV Nation reference

March 11th, 2010 2 comments

I thought this was good enough to repost. Alt-text reproduced faithfully.

Using a ring to bind someone you covet into your dark and twisted world? Wow, just got the subtext there. Also, the apparently eager Beyoncé would've made one badass Nazgȗl.


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I expected to see him in the summer games

February 10th, 2010 No comments

“A Polish newspaper mistakenly identified “Pedobear”, a notorious internet meme, as one of the mascots of the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver.

It appears that the newspaper lifted the picture from Google Images, unaware that it had been created as a prank by Michael Barrick, a Canadian artist and graphic designer. “

Full Article: Clicky

Originally published at The IggBlog. You can comment here or there.

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January 27th, 2010 No comments shirt of the day today. So pissed it sold out before I saw it

Not that I’d ever buy a VW…

June 3rd, 2009 2 comments

For whatever reason, probably my own coffee habits, I was remembering a VW commercial from back in the day. Some girl that owns a coffee place running around delivering things with her golf. At the end she says “I’ve got to cut back on the caffeine”, which I always find myself saying to myself at around 2 in the afternoon. So I found it on youtube for kicks, and was surprised when I started watching it. I actually had to hunt down some info and see if my hunch was right. It was. If you watch NCIS, you’ll know it when you see it. The ironing is delicious.

Originally published at The IggBlog. You can comment here or there.

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Bringing it all together

April 20th, 2009 No comments

Stumbled on this a little earlier. At first it just looked like some kind of vintage computer book. I like those just from the standpoint of seeing what people back in the day thought stuff would be like now. Then I actually started reading it, and it’s been edited a little. It gets funnier as the pages go on. Content behind the cut.

Read more…

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Omg gossip

April 15th, 2009 2 comments

Heard about this earlier today and finally got myself to check it out. Normally I don’t touch celebrity gossip, but this sounded funny. Apparently Lindsey Lohan made a spoof eharmony profile video for giggles. She may be batshit crazy and a train wreck of a human, but at least she can laugh at herself.

Originally published at The IggBlog. You can comment here or there.

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I guess she didn’t love his nuts

March 30th, 2009 3 comments

I normally could give two craps about celebrity news. But this guy isn’t really a celebrity per se, and he’s so shady that I can’t help myself. The “shamwow guy”, aka Vince Shlomi, airs commercials that reek so badly of scam that you feel the need to take a shower after watching them. Dry off with a regular towel though, kids… You’d probably catch something if you actually used a ShamWoW. Latest news on this lovable fellow is that apparently he’s been arrested for punching a prostitute in the face. Classy.

“Police reports obtained by the site claim that Shlomi met 26-year-old prostitute Lenea Harris at a Miami nightclub, and subsequently brought her back to his room at Setai Hotel. Shlomi allegedly paid Harris $1,000 for “straight sex.”

That’s went things took a turn.

Shlomi told police “that he kissed [Harris] when all of a sudden [Harris] bit his tongue and would not let go,” according to the report.

Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue…”

Full article: Clicky

For your viewing pleasure:

Click for full sized and obviously NWS image:

Shamwow and Slap-Chop ads:

Originally published at The IggBlog. You can comment here or there.

T.W.A. -what?

March 19th, 2009 3 comments

The name of the department I work in right now is insite. It’s probably just some corporate goon’s idea of a trendy spelling of “insight”. When our updated systems get rolled out the new name for my group will be RIM, for “remote infrastructure management”. Because… I mean… Everyone loves acronyms, right? This means my job title will be “RIM operator”. I think people need to be a little more careful with acronyms though. We’re already calling eachother rim jockeys, and we’re just waiting for someone to come walking in with a resumee asking for details on the RIM job. At least they didn’t go with “automated network usage support”. It’s a bit of a stretch, but you get the idea.

In related news, I’ve come to find out one of my coworkers almost got a medal for his time served over in the middle east. the acronym on the medal would have been for “the war on terror”, signifying his diligence in the fight against TWAT for his time served.

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