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Free food is the best food

Free food day at work! Free bagels in the morning and free salad/pizza (not saladpizza, mind you) in the afternoon. Free food day is wednesday of every week and is always a good day.

We have only the finest state-of-the-art bagel preparation facilities here. There is a really nice 4-slot toaster and a bagel slicer. But all is not as it seems. At first glance, an unsuspecting novice would see only a normal bagel slicer. Little do they know what terrors lie just past the innocent exterior. The “blade” (ancient record states it was indeed once a blade) has long since been worn to the sharpness of a well weathered stone, or perhaps seaglass. We’ve come to affectionately refer to it as the “Bagel Masher”. Joe Hungry waddles down to the break room to get his delicious free bagel. He innocently inserts the bagel into the hungry maw of the Bagel Masher. Deftly thrusting down the upper portion of the Masher, the “blade” quickly smashes the bagel to a compressed lump of breadlike material which in no way resembles a bagel. After carefully unraveling the bagel to a round-ish state, it is clear that the blade at no time actually penetrated the flesh of the bagel. I’ve given up trying various methods of “slicing” with this hellish bagel torture device. Instead I’ve and turned to fighting with a plastic butter knife instead, which appears to perform quite a bit better.

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  1. June 21st, 2006 at 15:16 | #1

    I keep trying to tell people that free food rocks…but they just keep telling me I only get it cause I’m a flirt?! (Does this mean you’re a flirt too?!)

    You all should chip in for new bagel slicing gear!

    • June 21st, 2006 at 15:18 | #2

      at this point the bagel masher is enough of an office novelty that I think we keep it around just for that purpose.

      And it’s free food day at the office =P. no flirting required.

      • June 21st, 2006 at 16:43 | #3

        Well you could buy a new one…and still keep that one for posterity…you know…engrave a brass plate detailing the life of the bagel masher, encase it in glass, put a spotlight on it, make everyone bow to the bagel slicer.

        Mmmmhmmm…you’re just as big a flirt as I am, just admit it (they tell me it’s the first step!)

  2. June 23rd, 2006 at 16:35 | #4

    We had free food at my old job too. It’s the best! One of my co-workers said he gained 20 pounds since starting to work there a year earlier due to all the “Bagel Mondays” and miscellaneous parties and random food brought in by co-workers.

    Our “bagel masher” still worked if you slammed it down into the bagel, apparently the bagel didn’t have time to deform before the dull metal guillotine-like slicer made its way through the tough outer shell of the bagel. But anything less than lightning speed with the slicer meant you had a deformed, half cut open bagel that you had to try and mush into the toaster. I feel your pain, to some degree, there.

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