The Iggblog

…or at least my left leg. A few nights ago I awoke to one of the least enjoyable things one can experience when one first wakes up. It was a sunday and I had nothing to do for the day. a complete throw-away day of minor chores and passing out at random times from my body retaliating against my horrid sleep schedule. I woke up at around 2am after 5 or so hours of sleep. very rested, cozy, etc… bunnies, rainbows, the whole bit. I stretched a large catlike stretch… arms fully extended and toes pointed as far out as possible, as the mighty lion does after a meal to show any onlooking gazelles how satisfying it is to eat them and their loved ones.

Everyone has some position they can put their body in to trigger one of those horrid muscle contractions or “charlie horses” or whatever. you know what I’m talking about… it feels like a pair of muscles are pulling apart from each other or something and there’s nothing you can do but lock up in agony and wait for it to pass, since moving in any way undoubtedly makes it worse. There are 2 things I know for sure will do this to me. One of them is, oddly enough, triggered by subway sandwiches. they pack so much stuff into their huge rolls. if I try to bite off a hearty hunk to chew on and open my mouth too wide with my tongue pulled back to accomodate the massive lump of food, my jaw just behind my chin will do this. It’s only moderately excruciating, but not something one wants to have happen during lunch. for some reason, only subway sammiches seem to do this. all other forms of food are more reasonably sized/shaped and don;t seem to make my face turn into a sponge of agony.

back to the main story… the other thing that trips this effect is if I’m lying down, and I stretch way the hell out, pointing my toes and contracting my muscles a little bit. it makes either one of my calves go completely apeshit. I can feel the effect start to take it. about 5 seconds later, my calf is rock-hard flexing against itself with every bit of might it can muster. It’s one of the most painful things that I can think of that I’ve experienced. The only time it really happens is when I’m barely awake and too lost in reverie to know better than to stretch a big satisfying stretch. next thing I know I’m ripped from a hazy morning daze into horrible and sharp sentience. it actually still hurts now and I’m walking with a slight limp. it doesn’t fuck around with the agony thing. it really knows what it’s doing.

So that’s my story in far more words than it has to be.