The Iggblog

Snow. Snow is funny stuff.

Snow appears harmless enough when blanketing the scenery in peaceful whiteness. Its very nature is almost “kind”. Light… fluffy… delicate. BUT… Something darker lurks beneath the surface. The docile exterior of ice belies an ethereal core of absolute stupidity.

The snowflake is a complex object. The crystal husk is merely a carrier vessel for a small portal to another sort of supersymmetrical dimension. The true quintessence of snow lies in this ethereal form. The particles from this dimension exist partially in our realm and partially in the supersymmetrical realm. The component of these particles that exists in our dimension is very small. These “fingers” into our “heavy space”, known as an LSSP (lightest super-stupid particle) is what snowflakes seed upon.

The mechanism by which snow “works” upon humans is even more interesting. Snow would normally float about in the upper atmosphere since snow clearly floats. Throw a snowball into water and you’ll see what I mean. But this superdimensional seed of stupidity adds just enough mass for the snowflakes to fall slowly and gently to the ground. Upon reaching the ground, the LSSP is released from the snow, and rises to the upper atmosphere to seed another flake. While in these states, snow is harmless. It could even fall on your head and it wouldn’t matter… there’s simply not enough force to drive the LSSP into your head. After alighting on your head, it floats back into the atmosphere like normal. However, a curious thing happens when snow is hit by a car. The crystal is hit with such force that the payload of stupidity is ripped from the core of the snowflake, and travels through the windshield of the car, leaving its icy prison behind. The LSSP is driven into the driver’s brain, where it is pulled the rest of the way into our dimension. It expands to its full size and darkles the driver’s mind, impeding neural activity and impairing the subject’s higher functions.

Normally, one such incursion into the human brain has little effect (especially in the state of Massachusetts, where the drivers give the LSSP very little to impair on in the first place)… but during a snowstorm, the drivers are pelted with countless vessels of crystalline stupidity. They are reduced to a near inanimate state(except in Massachusetts, where they become only slightly less intelligent than normal).

“Turn signals” become horribly daunting objects of epic complexity!
The meaning of “STOP” signs becomes nearly impossible to decipher!
Fundamental concepts of weight transfer and friction are lost in a furious storm of pedal mashing!

…Or at least this is the only possible explaination I can come up with for the sub-human behavior of winter drivers.

It’s truly astonishing how irresponsible drivers can get with just a small blanket of snow. “It’s slippery out! I wanted to keep both hands on the wheel!” is a poor reason to not use your turn signal. “I had to run the red light! I couldn’t stop because my brakes kept locking up!” is not sufficient excuse to run through a red light. Plan ahead. Think. Conditions aren’t just dangerous, they’re DEADLY. It astonishes me how many people manage to survive winter in unprepared cars and with such moronic disregard for other drivers. Inclement weather does not give you license to drive in a manner that would normally be considered unacceptable. You get no deference for your hardship. I am driving in the same conditions you are, and I can handle stop signs and turning signals.

Sorry for the rant, but I was nearly run off the road 3 times today, and on 4 occasions had luxo-barges come within inches of my front bumper after running a stop sign or red light. Today was bad even for New England. And it didn’t stop after the morning commute… they were just as bad during lunch. It’s as if drivers were trying to make a spectacle of themselves… aspiring to some sort of Platonic form of stupidity than no human could possibly ever become (except in Massachusetts). Pardon me, my bitter is showing.